Questionable

Don't read this book

Grrrrrr. I haven't been this pissed off about a book for a long time. The book, In the Woods, by Tana French won the Edgar award a few years ago. It also got good pub on NPR and in the NY Times. I like well-written mysteries so I was happy to settle into a long (400ish page) whodunit set in Ireland. The book begins with a description of two mysteries - one in the present and one in the past. The writing is lush and vivid. Even though it slowed in the middle, I was gobbling up the pages as quickly as possible. Had I figured out who committed the present killing and what happened to those kids who disappeared 20ish years earlier? Were the two crimes connected?

Do you want to know why I'm pissed off? I'm sorry. You'll just have to wait for a few years until I write another blog post.

That's right, after spending half the book on one of the mysteries, the book never resolves it. And it doesn't even setup for another book. Although after browsing the web, I guess that's what is going to happen, which doesn't even make sense since the entire mystery was covered in this book.

What a waste of time.

The young and persuadable

J and I ate at Byerlys restaurant yesterday afternoon before doing some grocery shopping. J was wearing his Obama shirt. We were seated by a college-ageish guy. Here is a transcript of their conversation:

Him: Obama, huh?
J: Yup
Him: I don't know who to vote for.
J: Did you watch the debate?
Him: No. I'm young. I don't really follow politics. It is all about bright and flashy things for me.

I think he was trying to be funny or cute. I wanted to engage him further, but he had a job to do and was quickly helping other people. But the exchange made me sad. Kid, voting is important. Voting for McCain is likely against your own best interests. Please, kid, think about how important this election is to your future.

Ooooh, Ooooh That Smell

Smells have been bothering me since the beginning of chemo. But since the last infusion, smells have become my enemy. Imagine an unpleasant smell like canned cat food amplified by 100. That's what it smells like to me now. Even smells that people find pleasant are now troublesome - like mini-donuts. I don't really like the scent of friend dough, but now I cover my face when I walk by a stand. What's worse is that if I just think about an offending smell, I get nauseas.

I can't believe I have to do this seven more times.

What kind of pillow do you use?

I use the buckwheat kind of pillow for under my head. I love that I can prop up a ridge of the pillow under my neck. I also like that I can make it almost completely flat if I have a headache. I even have a tiny travel version. 

Hot Blooded (do you want to check and see?)

When I was told I was going to enter peri-menopause as a result of the chemo, I was comforted by the fact that at least my period would stop. HA! I'm still cramping and bleeding like a faucet right along with my new Krakatoa-like hot flashes.

Five down, seven to go

I survived another round of chemo, with great thanks to KV for picking me and waiting around for my infusion to be complete. Things ran slowly yesterday because of trouble processing blood in the hospital lab.

Can I just tell you how much I hate chemo? I'm trying to love it for its life giving abilities, but I hate it. (I am trying really hard to count my blessings, but for the two days after chemo I find it hard.) The actual process isn't so bad, but the days after suck. I don't feel bad enough to just sleep 24hours a day, but I am incredibly tired and lazy and just crappy feeling. I didn't use the steroid yesterday so I felt worse than usual. The steroid gives me energy, which helps prop me up for one day, but without it I am a slug. Then on days two and three, I'm too achey and fatigued to actually do anything, but I'm also bored. Here is what I've done in the last 24ish hours:

8am to 2pm - chemo
2pm to almost 6pm - lay in bed while listening to the radio. Make some short phone calls.
6pm to 11pm - watch tv. J gave me dinner on a lap tray.
11pm to midnight - read book and fall asleep while reading.
3am - wake up and turn out light
8am - wake up and take anti-nausea and go potty
11am - wake up again to phone call from mom (note, I have just slept about 11 hours)
11am - 1pm - take and make a bunch of phone calls
1pm to about 2pm - eat morning mush and read today's Strib
2pm until now - sit in bed, propped against pillows, and read my news feed which has swelled to over 300 items
About 3pm eat a piece of cheese and drink a Naked juice. Chew two fiber tablets.
Sometime during last 2ish hours I ordered the new T-mobile/Google phone (YAY!)
J will be home around 6 and he'll make dinner and I'll eat in front of the TV again.

Boring, boring, boring. As much as I like reading and tv, there is too much of a good thing. Also, I am finding it hard to read "tough" stuff. I feel like an idiot. I bought Anathem and am struggling to plow through it because sometimes my mind can't focus and other times the book is too heavy. Can you imagine being so feeble that you can't hold up a book? I mostly read in bed and can't lay on my stomach because of the port. Try laying on your side and holding up a 10lb book with one hand.

So, let's move on to other things. Eating and food. My mom's chemo, far tougher than mine, caused her to completely change her diet during her treatment. She had lots of trouble with mouth-feel. If she couldn't fathom the texture of certain things, even if the taste was appealing, she didn't eat them. Thus, she quit eating a lot of her favorite foods. That hasn't been my problem yet. But there are things I just can't eat. For example, I can eat pork if it is shaved or in BBQ sauce. If it is a piece of pork like a chop or loin, I can't. I don't like the look of it. And I really can't predict what I won't want until I see it. Other times, I just don't feel like eating or I don't feel hungry. I usually force myself to eat regularly, but I don't always eat much in the middle of the day. Right after chemo, I have to limit my intake of anything but high fiber foods. So, I eat a lot of fruit, drink Naked juices, and eat some chicken at night. Also weird is what I crave. I could eat pizza (not frozen) every day, particularly if it is really saucy. I can't eat frozen pizza because I can't stand the sight of the melted fakey cheese. I am also into ice cream. I have always loved ice cream, but my desire for it now is not normal. But, it can't be too melty. I can't eat melty ice cream.

Did I mention I ordered a new phone? YAY!

That's all for this installment of what's wrong with me.

Is anyone watching the Emmys?

Why do I put myself through this?

This might be the worst Emmys ever. Except I kinda liked the Josh Groban part.

Instinct, intuition, or illogical?

Before I was diagnosed with cancer, I was convinced I had it. For no real reason. I just knew I had it. Shortly after my mom got sick, I remember talking to J about the likelihood that I would get cancer. At that time I figured it would happen when I was older because even though we have a lot of female cancer on both sides of the family, no one has been diagnosed before menopause. Within three or four months of that conversation, I had changed my words and told J that I was going to get cancer sooner rather than later. Other than fatigue during exercise, there was nothing else pointing to cancer. But I knew. Was my body talking to me? I don't know. I'm not a hypochondriac, so maybe I should have listened closer.

Since I started treatment, I've become convinced I am going to make a full recovery. I don't dwell on being sick (very often). I almost never think about it when going about my daily activities. I am just completely and totally sure that after January I'll get a clean bill of health and will stay that way. That's why, yesterday, when I went in for my most recent test results I was ecstatic, but not completely surprised to find out that there is no longer evidence of cancer in my lymph nodes. YAY! The chemo is doing exactly what it is supposed to be doing. Provided my body keeps responding how it has been, I am going to need 8 more rounds (12 total) taking me to the end of the year, but at least now I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that ol' Nef is doing his job. It is still an uphill climb. My lungs can't get too damaged. My heart can't get too damaged. I can't develop an allergy. But, I'm still certain I am going to be okay. Hell, even my inscrutable doctor had a bit of a smile on his face.

A relatively small problem I'm having with the chemo is hand swelling. There are lots of days when I can't wear my wedding ring. This is sometimes caused by the steroids. I am no longer taking them during the week, but I do get a bag full right before I get my chemo. The steroid helps my body to absorb the anti-nausea. But, (warning to KV who is picking me up this week) I am going to try getting chemo without the steroid and hope the anti-nausea works well enough by itself. Why put myself through this for just some hand swelling? Well, the fluid retention can spread. If it moves to my heart or lungs, it is not a good thing. If we can eliminate the steroid as a culprit, we can figure out if a chemo is causing the swelling.

I had a long conversation with my doctor about the cause of Hodgkin's. There are only 7,000 to 8,000 new cases in the U.S. every year. Eighty percent of adults have the virus that causes Hodgkin's, so it is a really small number of diagnoses. The cause hasn't completely been determined, but it seems to be a combination of environmental factors, age at which someone was exposed to the Epstein-Barr virus, and other things. Genetic links are very, very small. It can sometimes run in families but that may have more to do with similar upbringing rather than genes.

Changing topics for a moment.
Are you completely confused and mystified by the whole financial meltdown thing? This NY Times article is very helpful. I would add that Levitt should have covered the bond ratings agencies and their roll in the meltdown, but it gives a good outline of what's going on right now. One other thing to consider is that Goldman Sachs is rumored to be in trouble. When Bear was rescued earlier this year, people thought Goldman was untouchable because they stayed out of the sub-prime mortgage mess. If they go, there are lots of companies who do business with them that are going to have trouble. Lots of companies. Maybe even some local ones. That's scary.

Bitch magazine needs help

I don't subscribe, but I do buy issues on the newsstand. Bitch is one of my favorite feminist sources of information. But, like other print publications, they are having trouble raising funds (they're non-profit) and might not be able to put out their next issue.

Read more here and here and donate here.

This is one of my favorite things: Doctor Kracker crackers

Doctor Kracker crackers are organic, whole grain, and without chemicals or partially-hydrogenated vegetable oil. And they are delicious. I've only tried the seeded spelt, but I'm confident the other flavors are equally good. I love having a crunchy, healthy carb to eat with cheese or meat or hummus or whatever.