Questionable

To blog or not to blog

I have to admit that I'm diggin' Facebook. It is an easy way to reach lots of people quickly. And, I really like using Twitter to update my FB status. These two marvelous inventions have contributed to my lack of blogging. It is really easy to dash off a tweet rather than compose an entire post. So, if you like my stuff here, I encourage you to also follow my Twitter feed (or join FB - I'm looking at you, Shan).

Lots of stuff has been happening around here, mostly to do with the move that deserve mention, but are going to get short shrift. But here's a few:

I sold my curio cabinet to a woman who sells antiques and home goods. She showed up to get it by herself, wearing a foot boot/cast. I don't trust myself enough to carry a heavy, glass-sided piece of furniture down my front steps. So, J helped her move with the assistance of my neighbor, who we had to call for help at the last minute. I was happy to get rid of it, but surprised at the woman. She told us she was planning on moving it herself.

As if you didn't know, Craig's List is full of scammers. $300 seems to be a sweet-spot for them. List something for that price or more and you are bound to get an email saying something about a cashier's check. I'm not so stupid, but I wonder how many people are taken by these scams.

Speaking of furniture, are you sure you don't need a big closet/cabinet or a bedroom set?

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We move J into his little studio this weekend. His new position starts next week. I'm hoping this house will sell. We are putting about $4000 into the house just to put it on the market for the same price we bought it for seven years ago. One bright spot is that sales seem to be up and my price range seems to be a sweet spot for St. Paul, but I'm worried. We had the electrician here last week and the plumber here this morning. Next week the handyman arrives followed by the painters the next week. The house is a disaster and I'm tired of living in the mess, but I guess this is how it has to be.

We moved our king bed into the garage this past weekend when I had a bunch of guys over to move things around. So, I'm sleeping on the futon in the guest room and J is in the basement on the bed that will move into our bedroom once it is painted. I can't sleep in the basement because of my allergies. I feel like a college student in my futon.

We've spent the last few weeks really cleaning out the crap and donating lots of nice things to Goodwill. We've also given a number of things away (more to come). And, are trying to sell the rest. It isn't a great time to be selling furniture because everyone seems to be doing it. Bad economy = selling things to make food money. My electrician, one of the highest rated ones in the city, was telling me just two years ago he had a crew of five. Now it is just him. His wife was laid off and they are selling everything in their house to afford college tuition for the kid. He just has no business.

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Finding J's studio in Chicago was interesting. We ended up with a tiny, but very sunny unit right in the Loop a few blocks from his job. One problem was trying to find a place that permitted a six-month lease. That limited our options. We ended up looking at three places in one building and one in another. The building he selected has few amenities, but is cheap, while the other building had everything under one roof, but was expensive. I rooted for the one he ended up picking because it is on a corner and gets cross-ventilation.

He'll be home every weekend for a while because he is teaching a class at the U, which has been move to Sunday nights. It was that or do it via video conference, which the students don't like.

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I am really beginning to feel normal. The more activity the better, but my stamina is still really not there. Moving, cleaning, and packing isn't the best way to get back in shape, so I'm looking forward to walking as soon as it is slightly warmer. I might even get in a short walk later today. One of the biggest problems I'm having (along with just being generally weak and inflexible) is with my feet. The one that I broke a few years ago is back to acting up and the other one has terrible plantar fasciitis. I'm thinking both of these things will go away (again) when I am walking more. I am doing my stretches, which is helping, but I need working feet. After trotting around all day in Chicago, I didn't go out at night because I couldn't imagine any further walking.

Earlier this month I went and visited the kids via the train. It was the first time I traveled by myself or on public transportation since I caught cancer. It was wonderful to see the kids in their own element again. I'll get the pictures posted to Flickr one of these days, but I have uploaded the videos to YouTube. There are a bunch under the username questioningyou. Here is a super cute one to get you started. Note that she has a cold so her upper lip is full of snot.




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Guess what? My entire family, sans J, is going to Disneyworld in October. My brother, the dad, really wants to do this trip so his tax return is going toward paying for their family. He is looking at it as a celebration of health and life. The kids will be 5, 5, and 3. Oatmeal is already suspicious of our plans. We speak in code, but she still figures out we're talking about Disney. She knows more about the place than I do.

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I liked the changes at the Oscars, particularly when the old winners came out and said nice things about the nominee. I also liked the first and later musical numbers. They were fun. And, I loved Kate Winslett's dress.

When we were in Chicago we watched Milk via on demand. I liked this movie far more than I thought I would. Two thumbs up for this one.

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J needs a new computer (he is using a laptop that I got almost seven years ago). So, I got a new MacBook Pro (bought with his student/teacher discount) and he is getting my old one. The coolest thing ever is how you can connect the two laptops and just move everything from one to the other.

Cancer is a tremendous opportunity to have your face pressed right up against the glass of your mortality - Jason Shinder

A school friend of mine got a very bad case of Lyme disease some years ago. It took a long time for him to get the right diagnosis, so he got very sick and came close to dying. After he recovered, he completely reassessed his life and made a bunch of significant changes. He quit his job, went looking for PhD programs, and altered his personal life. He wondered if the same thing might happen to me. I don't actually want to make significant changes, whatever that means. I want to move on. I want to go back to living my life.

It feels strange that I'm finishing school at the same time I'm finishing cancer treatment. I was always going to get to the point of completing school. It just so happens to correspond with the end of chemotherapy. In other words, January of 2009 was always going to be a transition time for me. It is just going to be a bigger transition than I once thought. In addition to contemplating career prospects and working on some writing, I am also trying to recover physically and regain my strength (after I clean out this damn office and file all my journal articles, which are in a gigantic pile).

Transition or not, cancer does make one think about living and dying. And I have begun to think about the mark I leave on the world. What's my purpose, and all of that? I don't know that I've worked it all out. I'm still so damn sad about missing my defense and graduation this week/weekend, that I'm bitter about school. Why did I go? I know intellectually why I went. I really like teaching college and wanted to figure out a way to do it full time. But, have you seen the job market for academics? Ay yi yi.

There's more to life than work, however. My passions are in liberal causes and animal and bird rescue, women's reproductive health, and a few other things. I'll go back to being involved in relevant organizations now that I have free time again. Then there's the nieces. I want them to have positive female role models in their lives. While we've received good news (rather than the relapse that we expected to be diagnosed) about my mom this week, the truth is she has stage four ovarian cancer. She hoped to live to be 80. I hope she lives at least that long, but I know it might not happen. My SIL doesn't have a sister and doesn't have a close relationship with her SIL. The kids don't see their other grandma more than once or twice a year. That leaves their mom and me. I don't want to leave them without grandmas or an aunt. Someone has to teach them about feminism. :)

What about right now? What can I do right now to go back to living my life? I'm back at Pilates. I signed up for another Spanish class. I'm spending the weekend with friends. I have a house to fix up to get ready to put on the market. And I'm really thankful that things are looking up for both my mom and me.

Twelve down, zero to go: They grey cloud hasn't lifted

Even though I feel like shit and am laying in bed, I thought I would be celebrating in my head today. My chemo is done. The hell that was 2008 is almost over. But it doesn't seem like my family can catch a break. After a short remission, it seems as if my mom's cancer is back. My parents were supposed to leave for Arizona tomorrow to spend three months in the sun. Instead, my mom is having a needle biopsy of her stomach fluids on Friday. Abdominal fluid is the hallmark of ovarian cancer, so it is unlikely her new stomach fluid is anything other than a recurrence. We don't know all the details yet, but apparently there are some chemos that can dry out the stomach and give her more time. If you can't get rid of the fluid, it eventually makes its way to the lungs and kills you. Some people live on chemo the rest of their lives to keep the fluids down. Others can't control it. A smaller group gets rid of the fluid completely. I really, really, really, wanted them to have this winter in Arizona. Why couldn't it have held off just three more months?

So, on that sad note, I wish you and yours a happy new year. Let's hope 2009 brings us good news and good health.

Eleven down, one to go: I am SO Hot!

I had my second-to-last infusion on Monday. There were no surprises. Everything went the way it was supposed to go. I am slowly recovering from the chemo and will feel better as the days go on until I get whacked again, for the last time, on the Monday after Christmas. I am typing this from my desk chair, but am seriously thinking about retreating to my bed. I know it sounds impossible, but sitting up can be difficult. I am just so damn tired.

I met an interesting lady at chemo. She has stage-four ovarian cancer that reoccurred three months after completing treatment. She has done lots and lots of research into what sorts of things people should know and what sorts of products people should buy before starting chemo. She is trying to start a foundation to provide information and sample products to all new chemo patients at the U. Fairview does hand out a folder of information, but it is really silly. I commend her for trying to do something comprehensive. In our conversation, I learned that I should be taking B6 to counter the neuropathy in my fingers (which is getting worse, but supposedly will go away). This lady knew this. My mom knew this. My nurse knew this. But, somehow, I missed this information. I hope she succeeds in putting this all together.

Have I mentioned how much I appreciate the recent cold weather? Normally, I'd probably find it too cold, but not this year. The chemo, or perhaps the peri-menopause, has made me so hot, that I'm like a walking firebomb. I've always disliked that our bed is in front of our windows, but that is the only way it fits properly in the room. However, now the placement helps me to sleep. Just the other night, I got snowed on while I slept. Every night, I put my face and arms right into the window sill and grasp at any whiff of cold air flowing into the room. Thankfully, J doesn't really mind, although I think I may be testing his patience with three bedroom windows open, a fan running, and all the heating vents closed. I wonder if this will ever go away? I'm normally a warm person, but this is ridiculous.

One of the weirdest side-effects of chemo is what it has done to my fingernails. Most people get really funky thick nails, but since normally mine are so thin and pitiful, chemo is actually making me have slightly nicer nails. My left thumbnail is longer than it has ever been in my life. I like to show it off to people and scratch J's back with it. I know. Simple pleasures right now.

I can't wait for chemo to be over. But, it is also a little scary. As much as I hate it, I know that right now there is no evidence of cancer in my body. However, once I stop treatment, I won't know that any longer.

YAY! - A blog post

I really didn't want this blog to turn into all cancer all the time, but that's apparently what happened. I just don't have the energy or creativity to write much else right now. But, I do have a few non-cancer updates.

Did you know that you if you donate "to a Minnesota political party, a candidate for state office, or candidates for the Minnesota Legislature, you are eligible to apply for a refund of a portion of your contribution(s)?" In other words, you can give up to $50 per person and get it back by filing a form found on the linked-to site. Apparently, the republicans take advantage of this far more than the democrats. So, get cracking, folks.

Every year the Strib has a holiday cookie contest and publishes the top five or six recipes in the paper. J noticed the pictures and excitedly mused that he'd like to try the double-chocolate-cherry espresso drops, the winning cookie. Cherry-chocolate-espresso is one of his favorite flavor combinations so I had already toyed with the idea of making them for him. Now, I never bake cookies. Never. I DON'T BAKE. Baking is messy and requires accuracy. But, I have free time and knew that I could keep it together long enough to make one batch of two-dozen cookies. And, J said he would help. So, last night we made the cookies. I have a really, really, really old Mixmaster that travels across the counter as it spins, so the baking event was rather humorous. I measured and mixed while he cleaned around me, prepared the baking sheets, and placed the dough balls on the parchment paper. Guess what? These are some of the best cookies I've ever had. Really. And, you could also make them with other chip flavors if you'd like to be creative. Here is the recipe:

DOUBLE CHOCOLATE-CHERRY ESPRESSO DROPS
Makes about 2 dozen.
Note: Our contest winner comes from Faith Ford in Big Lake, Minn.
• 1 tbsp. instant espresso powder
• 1 tbsp. boiling water
• 1 c. flour
• 3/4 c. unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1 tsp. baking soda
• 1/4 tsp. salt
• 1/2 c. (1 stick) unsalted butter, at room temperature
• 2/3 c. granulated sugar
• 1/4 c. packed dark brown sugar
• 1 egg
• 1/4 tsp. vanilla extract
• 1/2 c. chopped dried cherries
• 3/4 c. semi-sweet chocolate chips
• White almond bark for decoration, optional

Directions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line baking sheets with parchment paper.

In a small bowl, mix instant espresso powder and water and reserve. In a small bowl, whisk together flour, cocoa powder, baking soda and salt and reserve. In a large bowl, using an electric mixer on medium-high speed, beat butter and granulated sugar until creamy, about 2 minutes. Add dark brown sugar and beat an additional 30 seconds. Add egg and beat until thoroughly incorporated. Add vanilla extract and reserved espresso mixture and beat until thoroughly incorporated. Reduce speed to low, add flour mixture and mix until just incorporated. Stir in cherries and chocolate chips.

Using a 1-inch scoop, drop cookie dough on prepared baking sheets, spacing dough 2 inches apart. Bake for 8 to 10 minutes; because cookie is very dark, it's difficult to tell if they are overbaked. Watch center of cookies; when they lose their gooey quality, they are done. Remove from oven and cool on baking sheets for 10 minutes before transferring cookies to a wire rack to cool completely. In a microwave oven, or using a double boiler over gently simmering water, melt almond bark and lightly drizzle over cookies, optional.

Note: We did the almond bark drizzle and think it works best with it. The hint of sweetness takes cuts the bittersweet chocolate a bit.

And, finally, Squab tagged me a few days ago. I'm finally responding:

1. Five names you go by
a) Lisa
b) leelabell
c) Lala
d) Lee
e) Lees

2. Three things you are wearing right now:
a) Head scarf
b) Slippers
c) Sweatshirt

3. Two things you want very badly at the moment:
a) To be done with chemo
b) To have no cancer reoccurance

4. Two things you did last night (Wednesday, 12/10):
a) Baked cookies
b) Fell more in love with Pushing Daisies, which is unfortunately ending in four episodes.

5. Two things you ate/drank today:
a) Pistachos
b) Apple Jacks

6. Two people you last talked to on the phone:
a) My mom
b) Jaana

7. Two things you are going to do tomorrow:
a) Two medical tests - PFTs and a MUGA
b) Maybe see a movie

8. Two longest car rides:
a) Sheboygan to Wyoming
b) Sheboygan to Colorado

9. Two of your favorite beverages:
a) Diet Coke
b) Newcastle

AND ANOTHER:

Pick a color for the things that you have done. Mine are in red letters.
I have…
1. Started my own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than I can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sung a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched lightning at sea
14. Taught myself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown my own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitchhiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Skied a marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught myself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had my portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi concentration camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had my picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Ridden an elephant

Ten down, two to go

I come to you, like usual, from my bed. I had chemo on Tuesday this week because my doctor nurse (she's a nurse practitioner with a doctorate in nursing) was off on Monday. I see her before every chemo day unless I see my oncologist. Usually by Thursday, I am feeling a little less fatigued, but I'm off a day this week and man, oh man, the fatigue just keeps getting worse. I slept about 12 hours last night and can't imagine doing much more than sitting today. Hell, propping up my pillows takes work. I'm even too lazy to download a movie.

My blood counts were low again this week - just over where they needed to be to go on with chemo. So, let's everyone reading this do a little cheer for my white blood cells. They need to encouragement to build back up more quickly. It isn't the end of the world, if they take more time, but I want my last chemo to happen before the end of the year. There is something about putting all of this behind me in 2008 that is comforting.

Have I mentioned how much chemo makes me stink? I know, gross. But it is really peculiar how in the two to three days after chemo, it manages to make its way out of my body. And, I'm not talking about going to the bathroom. My feet, my breath, everything just smells. I can't stand it. I've never had stinky feet and now I'll need to throw my slippers in the garbage after all of this is over. If the hair loss and weight gain weren't enough, I also get to stink.

In most excellent news, my tuition stops today.

My ipod is dying. It is four years old and the battery is getting flaky and the click wheel isn't really working any more. I'm trying to figure out what to do. Should I bite the bullet and buy a new one? Should I limp along with this one, never knowing if the battery is going to hold a charge? I listen to music during chemo. Each week I select a different band/artist and imagine that my chemotherapy is being brought to me by them. Usually the music puts me in a good mood, so I don't want to go without it. This round, I listened to the Killers. Last time it was Pink.

Remember when I wrote about the house down the street that went into foreclosure and then was sold at auction? Well, the buyer/investor/flipper never closed the deal so it is back on the market for $10,000 more than the auction price, which is about half what it is worth. I wonder if he couldn't get financing or what? I notice that ReMax is now advertising the place as student housing. The frats and sororities passed on it the first time. Who knows what will happen now.

Speaking of houses, we'd like to sell ours. I'm done owning a single-family home. We've mostly owned one because of me. Now that I've had cancer, I don't want the maintenance. I don't want to own anything that weighs me down and I feel like all our belongings are like an anchor holding us back. We're getting rid of lots of stuff as soon as I'm up to cleaning it out. Then it is going on the market. We're going to list it lowish so we can be done. What will happen next? I don't know. Maybe renting until we can figure out if we want to buy a condo/townhouse.

I conclude with a few cute kid stories all having to do with Oatmeal.

She asked me why I didn't have kids. I told her because then I wouldn't be able to spend so much time with her. That shut her up.

She asked me if I went to church. I said, "no." She said, "why?" I said, "it isn't for me." She again asked, "why?" This lead into a discussion of why it wasn't for me. I didn't do a great job of explaining. But she eventually stopped asking.

Finally, the nieces have been learning about secrets. It started with SIL teaching them that adults shouldn't ask them to keep secrets (basically a stranger danger kind of lesson) and has lead into other conversations about secrets. At some point they learned that secrets can be rude. Then, last week during the twins' pre-school Thanksgiving program (singing four songs to a room full of parents), one of the teachers whispered to one of the other students because he was misbehaving. Oatmeal noticed the conversation and said loudly, to the entire room, "We don't tell secrets. It isn't polite." Oatmeal, Oatmeal, Oatmeal, what are we going to do with you?

Nine down, three to go

Gahhh, this is starting to suck. I want to be done with chemo. Knowing I'm in remission is a double-edge sword. I wish I could sleep for the next eight weeks and wake up and have it all be over. And, my body is really not liking the chemo now. Up until now, my blood counts have stayed within the normal range on the day of my infusions. Yesterday, they were not as happy. My total white blood count was very slightly under normal and one other count (the most important one) was just over normal. If this trend continues, I may have to put more than two weeks between treatments or I may have to go on a bone marrow building medicine. Fortunately, I really don't have anything planned for the month of December, so I'll just roll with the punches. Why does this happen? Who knows? Each chemo drug hits its nadir seven to 14 days after receiving it. Last Wednesday when I had my CT, my blood counts were very, very good, so I guess one of my drugs swung low this past weekend. If it hasn't happened before, why now? Hard to say. It could be that just like the rest of my body is having a hard time popping back up after chemo, so are my white blood cells. Or, maybe, it is the after effects of my cold and UTI. I guess we'll just see what happens.

After having such good news last week, J and I decided to go away Saturday night for our annual trip to see the tundra swans. This maybe wasn't the best decision we've made. I was tired and really achy (which probably points to my low blood counts) and having a hard time walking any distance (I mean like 6 blocks) and we had a car accident. But, we've always been able to do something a little more strenuous on my second weekend in the past. This is when we've had people over or gone socializing to other people's houses. I'm not sure we'll be doing this in December. Anyway, the sights and food were great and we stopped at all our usual haunts. Unfortunately, our three month old car suffered over $8,000 in damages after a distracted Winona student ran into us for no apparent reason. We were just driving down the city street when she swerved into our lane and hit us. I saw her coming about two seconds before John did. It seemed to me that she was weaving back and forth like she wasn't paying attention and then couldn't get her car back onto her side of the road. Was she texting/playing with her ipod/retrieving something off the floor? Who knows? She immediately apologized and later, when talking to the cop, blamed the accident on the sun. Did you go outside on Saturday? We had about 5 minutes of sun. I'm not sure how the sun could be the cause of just randomly driving across the line of traffic into another car. And, J did what he could to avoid the accident. He swerved as far to the right as he could and turned the car somewhat so the driver's side wheel corner took most of the hit. This accident was not at all our fault but with Minnesota's weird car accident laws, we'll probably get some of our deductible back, but not all of it. Fortunately, we're both okay and other than wasting two hours waiting for a cop and arranging a rental car, everything worked out fine.

Oh, and I haven't asked a question lately, which is something I wanted to do at least three days a week when I started this blog. But, I did today, so be sure to answer it. Maybe when chemo is over, I'll start cross posting my questions to Twitter. Speaking of Twitter, can someone go over the word forms for me. I know the verb is to tweet, but what about when I say, "I will direct tweet her." Or, "I will tweet him." Is that correct? Or, should I say, "I will twitter her."

The R word and the D word

Lots of good, good news in my world this week. I am feeling so relieved even though I know the next 8 weeks are going to suck. The recovery after each chemo is taking longer and longer. My doctor said to expect this, but I never thought I would be sleeping 12 out of 24 hours, three or four days in a row. And the cramps and aches just get worse and worse. But, then, I eventually start to feel better. I can sit at my desk. I can work for more than a few minutes at a time. I'll get through it.

The R Word????
Remission. The doctor said it on Wednesday. I'm almost afraid to repeat it because I feel like when I do, I am jinxing myself. He thinks the cancer is in remission right now. The CT showed that my lymph nodes continue to shrink. He sees no reason to continue the treatment beyond what's already scheduled (four more infusions, completing at the end of the year). I'll have another CT at the end of January and that will be my new baseline. I'll continue to have CTs every six months for a bunch of years and then move to once a year for even more years. Those CTs will be compared against my first one. If the nodes start to enlarge again, I would probably then have a PET to determine the source of the enlargement. Another R word, relapse, usually occurs in the first two years, if at all.

The D Word????
Dissertation. Defense. Doctorate. Doctor. They'll all do. I formally completed my defense last night. It was a little unorthodox doing it on the phone, but my chair was a champ. She managed the unruliness of a teleconference and I got asked a lot of good questions. I knew my literature and my data inside and out, so the questions were actually easier for me than the presentation. I was able to be more natural. J also dialed in and was very sweet and thanked the school for being flexible and told everyone how proud of me he was.

I have a tiny bit of hope for a normal life again. Like I said earlier, I don't want to jinx anything, but things are looking up. I'm not doing anything substantive this weekend. Monday, it is back to chemo. And the week after I am going to finish fixing my dissertation and get it sent off before the family arrives for Thanksgiving. And, no, for the first time in years, we are not cooking a turkey. I am buying a turkey, already cooked, from the grocery store. Along with most of the sides. Mom will bake the pies when she arrives on Wednesday. And we're eating off of paper plates. So there, ridiculous traditions that trap me into too much work with not enough reward.

Eight down, four to go

I had chemo number eight this morning - I am done with four full cycles. I'm pretty happy that it happened, since I ended up with a cold and a UTI over the last two weeks. Infections are not a good thing and can send an entire treatment plan into flux. Fortunately, my white counts stayed in normal range during the whole thing, so I'm okay. The cold is basically gone. I still cough occassionally, but just a bit. The UTI is under control. I'm on Cipro, which seems excessive, but that's what they give to cancer patients.

There was a time when I thought I would be done with chemo by this point and moving on to radiation. But, no radiation for me - at least at this point. I have a CT next week, which will give me more information about what happens next. If my lymph nodes have become smaller, in the way they are supposed to get smaller, I'll continue with the chemo and then have another CT after six full cycles. At that point, more decisions will be made about what comes next. Hopefully, I'll be done. But, the doctor could decide for radiation (if the lymph nodes are not shrinking enough) or opt for more chemo. But, given the results at the last PET/CT, I'm hopeful the nodes are shrinking and I'm scheduled to be finished by the end of the year.

I'm almost done with a first draft of my dissertation defense presentation. Given that I'm sitting in bed, I know it is going to be difficult to get anything done the next few days, but I'm going to try. I need to get the first draft off to my chair. I find it very difficult to sit in desk chairs, or other high back seats (like a kitchen/dining room chair) in the first few days after chemo. I'm so achy and uncomfortable, that even being half propped up against the windows in my bed is more comfortable. It doesn't make for easy typing or easy use of notes/books/assorted study things.

One last thing - a note of appreciation to my darling hubby. He's really taken the brunt of this cancer thing. Work is not the happiest place right now given the current state of the economy and he comes home and has to wait on me. Hand and foot. Even when I'm feeling somewhat normal, he is stuck with all the dirty stuff like dishes, washing sheets and towels, litter box cleaning, etc. It has been a tough few months for him. And we met 10 years ago this last Saturday night. Our first date included meeting for drinks, dinner, a walk by the river (when he excused himself to pee down the river bank - that was almost a deal breaker, but what are you going to do?), talking in his car, the first snow flakes of the season, and early breakfast at Perkins. I love you weetie.

Back amongst the living

Last Tuesday I came down with a cold. Do you know what a cold feels like when you don't have much of an immune system? Well, I do. It sucks. Totally sucks. I'm still sick, but feeling good enough to sit at a desk and putter around the house. For days last week all I did was blow my nose and glance listlessly at my computer in hopes that the presentation for my dissertation defense would magically appear on the screen. It didn't. Fortunately, it hasn't turned into anything worse than a cold. I haven't run a fever or developed bronchitis or pneumonia. I really, really, really hope it is gone by Monday so I don't get deferred.

A friend from school is arriving today to spend a few days with me. We're going to go through my dissertation, work on my presentation, and generally hang out. I feel bad because she is entering the sick zone, but I have cleaned everything and sprayed Lysol everywhere. I hope it is enough.

How good are Golden Grahams? I haven't had cold cereal in years. But I've had trouble finding things to eat that don't repulse me. One day last week I realized I wanted Golden Grahams in skim milk. I figure they are better than other things I've been eating (ice cream and pizza) so I managed to eat a whole box over the last 5 or 6 days. I can't even tell you the last time I've had milk. But the whole thing was so delicious I might try again in a few weeks.

Weirdest aversion yet - Two weeks ago, we were walking through the grocery store and I saw bendy straws on a display. I almost vomited. Why? I use bendy straws in my water in the days after chemo because they are easier when I'm in bed.