Questionable

My kind of town

Are you annoyed yet by my blatant use of my blog and Facebook account to sell and give away my worldly possessions? Well, it is going to get worse. J and I are moving to Chicago. I didn't feel I could divulge this news publicly until he gave notice at work, which happened today. We are moving because he accepted a new position. He originally interviewed for this job before I got sick and took himself out of the running for it after my diagnosis. Late last year he emailed them to see if it was still available. It was and he re-interviewed. After negotiations over just about everything, including the kitchen sink, he begins his new job on March 2. We're renting him a little downtown apartment where he will live until after the house sells. I'm staying up here to oversee the painters, electricians, etc. I'm hoping we'll both be in Chicago by mid to late summer.

We're both excited and scared. I've lived here for 15 years and have become quite comfortable with my life and my friends. At Pilates today I realized just how much I am going to miss my classmates, my neighborhood, and all the people and places that make the Twin Cities great for me.

I'll be blogging about putting a house on the market in these uncertain times as well as my feelings about making a move to a city where I don't know many people. I'm a Myers-Briggs I, y'all. I don't meet new folks easily.

Oh, and to celebrate being cancer-free, graduating, and leaving town, we're throwing a party Memorial Day weekend. Watch for your invites.

A quick update

I haven't felt much like writing lately. When I started the blog it was to help keep me writing or, at least, thinking about writing. It seems weird to people that given how much I had to write for school, I would want to also blog. However, I believe that writing begets more writing, and often better writing. (Although, I am really lazy about my writing here). I'm sure once I'm feeling 100% and my life becomes more normal, I'll get back into writing every day or so. But, until then, this blog will molder a bit.

Speaking of my health, I don't feel 100%, but I'm getting stronger. I'm still having stomach issues. I have a hard time eating an evening meal, even if I'm really hungry. It doesn't seem to matter what I eat. But, if I get full, I don't feel good. I've attempted some social events over the last week or so. I've enjoyed myself, but come home really exhausted. Not so much sleepy tired, but body tired. I could lay around all day. However, I'm not allowing myself too much time in bed. I have Spanish homework, we want to put the house on the market, and the Medallion Hunt has started.

I have my second Spanish class tonight. I'm in Beginning 2. I'm probably one of the 3 bottom students in the class because I'm rusty. Had I taken this class right when I got home from Mexico, over a year ago, I would be right on track. And, you know what bugs me? People who place themselves in classes lower than their ability. It makes me look and feel stupid. Scarily, the class is entirely in Spanish. The instructor does not utter one word in English. At first, it freaked me out. But, now I kinda like it. I generally understand her and it keeps me on my toes. You know what else a Spanish class means? Homework. I can't believe I just finished school and I've given myself homework. And, surprise, surprise, I'm behind.

A couple of weeks ago, I started entering stray papers into my database. Since I have so many, I decided I don't have time for that right now. I boxed them up. I'll get to them, but I have to get my office cleaned out first. In order to do that, I have to move the table I brought in for my dissertation. I'm almost done cleaning off my table, which included logging and boxing a whole bunch of books. I did the first bunch yesterday. So, we officially have one box for our storage unit.

The second piece of getting rid of the table is getting rid of my old Windows laptop. I kept it around because my data analysis software only ran on XP. I didn't want to setup my Mac laptop with Parallels or something similar. Yesterday and today, I made sure I had all my data analysis files transferred over, so I am ready to have a funeral for my once-awesome old computer. Actually, J is going to take it and use his really, really old laptop as a Linux machine. One problem I have is that my laser printer uses a parallel cable and hooks up to the laptop. I am going to try a parallel to USB cable and see if I can get it working with my Mac. I like this little printer. It is cheap to use and it double-sides. I don't want to have to get rid of it.

A while back I whined about missing graduation. It happened two weekends ago. I was sad, but I'm over it. But, since I only participated by telephone, I still was waiting for my Ah-ha, I have a doctorate moment to occur. (Alert: cheesiness ahead).  It happened last Thursday. I was watching CSI with Grissom who has a PhD in something. Another character kept calling him Dr. Grissom. All of a sudden, it dawned on me. I too have a doctorate. Just like Grissom.

I tweeted this today, but it deserves wider spread because of its awesomeness. The inauguration in Legos (be sure you look at all the pictures).

That's what recycling is for

The keen observer will notice that I've added a new category - Moving. I am pretty sure we're going to try to sell our house this year. There may be something that happens which could change our minds, but for now I'm going with the assumption that it will go on the market. In order to make that happen, we need to clean this place out, do some minor updating, and then stage it.

The first order of business is to find a storage rental place near our house. Anyone have any feedback on:

AllAmerican Self Storage
The Lock Up Self Storage or
Minikhada Mini Storage

Second, I've decided that going through years of NY Times Book Reviews is foolish. They're going in the recycling today.

Third, I have to figure out how to file all my journal articles. I used to have a system, but got behind during my dissertation. Now I have stacks of printed articles, some of which are also in electronic form that need to get into binders or folders after being entered into a database. I also should reorganize my hard drive. Yuck. Know anyone that wants to help me? I'll pay them.

We also are going to sell a bunch of stuff. Watch here for a 9x12 rug, an Ikea closet, modern Morris chairs, a whole lotta garden schlock, and more.

Minor Rant: If you Bring a Baby to a Movie, Sit By the Door

Obviously, I haven't been able to see many new movies over the last six months. I've generally had to avoid crowded theaters and I often didn't feel like venturing out. But, I really wanted to see Benjamin Button. My immune system is getting close to the lowest point it will ever hit, but I figured if I went during the day (only $5), there wouldn't be many people there. I knew I could find a seat in a corner away from others. And I did. I found a seat that sufficiently isolated me from the other theater-goers.

I arrived about 15-20 minutes early and noticed a couple sitting smack-dab in the middle of the theater. And, the woman was holding a baby, probably about six months old. The movie is almost three hours long. This family arrived earlier than I did, plus there were previews. Did the family really expect their kid to be quiet for almost four hours? Just as the movie started, the baby started crying so the mom crawled over all the people in her row to take her outside. Then she crawled back into her seat. Then she crawled back out. Over and over. Every time the kid started making noise. I think they family eventually left because I didn't see them when the movie ended. This wasn't that distracting for me, because I sat a bunch of rows up from them, but I can't imagine what the other people in their row thought as the woman and the baby kept going back and forth.

I actually don't mind babies at movies if they are quiet. Parents need to get out too. And, she was polite enough to leave any time the child made noise. But, couldn't they have sat on an aisle near the door?

Cancer is a tremendous opportunity to have your face pressed right up against the glass of your mortality - Jason Shinder

A school friend of mine got a very bad case of Lyme disease some years ago. It took a long time for him to get the right diagnosis, so he got very sick and came close to dying. After he recovered, he completely reassessed his life and made a bunch of significant changes. He quit his job, went looking for PhD programs, and altered his personal life. He wondered if the same thing might happen to me. I don't actually want to make significant changes, whatever that means. I want to move on. I want to go back to living my life.

It feels strange that I'm finishing school at the same time I'm finishing cancer treatment. I was always going to get to the point of completing school. It just so happens to correspond with the end of chemotherapy. In other words, January of 2009 was always going to be a transition time for me. It is just going to be a bigger transition than I once thought. In addition to contemplating career prospects and working on some writing, I am also trying to recover physically and regain my strength (after I clean out this damn office and file all my journal articles, which are in a gigantic pile).

Transition or not, cancer does make one think about living and dying. And I have begun to think about the mark I leave on the world. What's my purpose, and all of that? I don't know that I've worked it all out. I'm still so damn sad about missing my defense and graduation this week/weekend, that I'm bitter about school. Why did I go? I know intellectually why I went. I really like teaching college and wanted to figure out a way to do it full time. But, have you seen the job market for academics? Ay yi yi.

There's more to life than work, however. My passions are in liberal causes and animal and bird rescue, women's reproductive health, and a few other things. I'll go back to being involved in relevant organizations now that I have free time again. Then there's the nieces. I want them to have positive female role models in their lives. While we've received good news (rather than the relapse that we expected to be diagnosed) about my mom this week, the truth is she has stage four ovarian cancer. She hoped to live to be 80. I hope she lives at least that long, but I know it might not happen. My SIL doesn't have a sister and doesn't have a close relationship with her SIL. The kids don't see their other grandma more than once or twice a year. That leaves their mom and me. I don't want to leave them without grandmas or an aunt. Someone has to teach them about feminism. :)

What about right now? What can I do right now to go back to living my life? I'm back at Pilates. I signed up for another Spanish class. I'm spending the weekend with friends. I have a house to fix up to get ready to put on the market. And I'm really thankful that things are looking up for both my mom and me.

Suck it, Amazon

We're a list family. For Christmas, we send out long lists of things we might want or need. Everyone gets what they want and it lessens the returns. This year, I included a game on my list that retailed for $40 but was seen at the stores and on Amazon for around $30. However, when my parents went to buy the game from Amazon, it cost almost $80 with shipping because it had apparently sold out from the manufacturer. My parents didn't know what the original price was (because it isn't easy to find on Amazon's site) and thought that because there were electronic components to the game, that $80 was the right price. They actually were buying it from what I refer to as an Amazon scalper, someone who buys a bunch of something and then resells it for double the retail price when the something sells out in the stores.

It pisses me off that my parents were ripped off to this degree. How are they supposed to know what the right price is without asking me? Plus, it didn't even occur to them to ask me. To them electronic = expensive. They had no idea that buying from a third-party retailer on Amazon would mean the price would double. I understand how the third party retailers work because I use Amazon all the time, but they don't. Why isn't the original price more transparent on Amazon's part? Grrr. We're going to try to return the game so I can get some socks, but I'm crabby about the whole thing.

And here is my holiday wish to all of you

YAY! - A blog post

I really didn't want this blog to turn into all cancer all the time, but that's apparently what happened. I just don't have the energy or creativity to write much else right now. But, I do have a few non-cancer updates.

Did you know that you if you donate "to a Minnesota political party, a candidate for state office, or candidates for the Minnesota Legislature, you are eligible to apply for a refund of a portion of your contribution(s)?" In other words, you can give up to $50 per person and get it back by filing a form found on the linked-to site. Apparently, the republicans take advantage of this far more than the democrats. So, get cracking, folks.

Every year the Strib has a holiday cookie contest and publishes the top five or six recipes in the paper. J noticed the pictures and excitedly mused that he'd like to try the double-chocolate-cherry espresso drops, the winning cookie. Cherry-chocolate-espresso is one of his favorite flavor combinations so I had already toyed with the idea of making them for him. Now, I never bake cookies. Never. I DON'T BAKE. Baking is messy and requires accuracy. But, I have free time and knew that I could keep it together long enough to make one batch of two-dozen cookies. And, J said he would help. So, last night we made the cookies. I have a really, really, really old Mixmaster that travels across the counter as it spins, so the baking event was rather humorous. I measured and mixed while he cleaned around me, prepared the baking sheets, and placed the dough balls on the parchment paper. Guess what? These are some of the best cookies I've ever had. Really. And, you could also make them with other chip flavors if you'd like to be creative. Here is the recipe:

DOUBLE CHOCOLATE-CHERRY ESPRESSO DROPS
Makes about 2 dozen.
Note: Our contest winner comes from Faith Ford in Big Lake, Minn.
• 1 tbsp. instant espresso powder
• 1 tbsp. boiling water
• 1 c. flour
• 3/4 c. unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1 tsp. baking soda
• 1/4 tsp. salt
• 1/2 c. (1 stick) unsalted butter, at room temperature
• 2/3 c. granulated sugar
• 1/4 c. packed dark brown sugar
• 1 egg
• 1/4 tsp. vanilla extract
• 1/2 c. chopped dried cherries
• 3/4 c. semi-sweet chocolate chips
• White almond bark for decoration, optional

Directions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line baking sheets with parchment paper.

In a small bowl, mix instant espresso powder and water and reserve. In a small bowl, whisk together flour, cocoa powder, baking soda and salt and reserve. In a large bowl, using an electric mixer on medium-high speed, beat butter and granulated sugar until creamy, about 2 minutes. Add dark brown sugar and beat an additional 30 seconds. Add egg and beat until thoroughly incorporated. Add vanilla extract and reserved espresso mixture and beat until thoroughly incorporated. Reduce speed to low, add flour mixture and mix until just incorporated. Stir in cherries and chocolate chips.

Using a 1-inch scoop, drop cookie dough on prepared baking sheets, spacing dough 2 inches apart. Bake for 8 to 10 minutes; because cookie is very dark, it's difficult to tell if they are overbaked. Watch center of cookies; when they lose their gooey quality, they are done. Remove from oven and cool on baking sheets for 10 minutes before transferring cookies to a wire rack to cool completely. In a microwave oven, or using a double boiler over gently simmering water, melt almond bark and lightly drizzle over cookies, optional.

Note: We did the almond bark drizzle and think it works best with it. The hint of sweetness takes cuts the bittersweet chocolate a bit.

And, finally, Squab tagged me a few days ago. I'm finally responding:

1. Five names you go by
a) Lisa
b) leelabell
c) Lala
d) Lee
e) Lees

2. Three things you are wearing right now:
a) Head scarf
b) Slippers
c) Sweatshirt

3. Two things you want very badly at the moment:
a) To be done with chemo
b) To have no cancer reoccurance

4. Two things you did last night (Wednesday, 12/10):
a) Baked cookies
b) Fell more in love with Pushing Daisies, which is unfortunately ending in four episodes.

5. Two things you ate/drank today:
a) Pistachos
b) Apple Jacks

6. Two people you last talked to on the phone:
a) My mom
b) Jaana

7. Two things you are going to do tomorrow:
a) Two medical tests - PFTs and a MUGA
b) Maybe see a movie

8. Two longest car rides:
a) Sheboygan to Wyoming
b) Sheboygan to Colorado

9. Two of your favorite beverages:
a) Diet Coke
b) Newcastle

AND ANOTHER:

Pick a color for the things that you have done. Mine are in red letters.
I have…
1. Started my own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than I can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sung a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched lightning at sea
14. Taught myself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown my own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitchhiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Skied a marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught myself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had my portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi concentration camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had my picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Ridden an elephant

Nine down, three to go

Gahhh, this is starting to suck. I want to be done with chemo. Knowing I'm in remission is a double-edge sword. I wish I could sleep for the next eight weeks and wake up and have it all be over. And, my body is really not liking the chemo now. Up until now, my blood counts have stayed within the normal range on the day of my infusions. Yesterday, they were not as happy. My total white blood count was very slightly under normal and one other count (the most important one) was just over normal. If this trend continues, I may have to put more than two weeks between treatments or I may have to go on a bone marrow building medicine. Fortunately, I really don't have anything planned for the month of December, so I'll just roll with the punches. Why does this happen? Who knows? Each chemo drug hits its nadir seven to 14 days after receiving it. Last Wednesday when I had my CT, my blood counts were very, very good, so I guess one of my drugs swung low this past weekend. If it hasn't happened before, why now? Hard to say. It could be that just like the rest of my body is having a hard time popping back up after chemo, so are my white blood cells. Or, maybe, it is the after effects of my cold and UTI. I guess we'll just see what happens.

After having such good news last week, J and I decided to go away Saturday night for our annual trip to see the tundra swans. This maybe wasn't the best decision we've made. I was tired and really achy (which probably points to my low blood counts) and having a hard time walking any distance (I mean like 6 blocks) and we had a car accident. But, we've always been able to do something a little more strenuous on my second weekend in the past. This is when we've had people over or gone socializing to other people's houses. I'm not sure we'll be doing this in December. Anyway, the sights and food were great and we stopped at all our usual haunts. Unfortunately, our three month old car suffered over $8,000 in damages after a distracted Winona student ran into us for no apparent reason. We were just driving down the city street when she swerved into our lane and hit us. I saw her coming about two seconds before John did. It seemed to me that she was weaving back and forth like she wasn't paying attention and then couldn't get her car back onto her side of the road. Was she texting/playing with her ipod/retrieving something off the floor? Who knows? She immediately apologized and later, when talking to the cop, blamed the accident on the sun. Did you go outside on Saturday? We had about 5 minutes of sun. I'm not sure how the sun could be the cause of just randomly driving across the line of traffic into another car. And, J did what he could to avoid the accident. He swerved as far to the right as he could and turned the car somewhat so the driver's side wheel corner took most of the hit. This accident was not at all our fault but with Minnesota's weird car accident laws, we'll probably get some of our deductible back, but not all of it. Fortunately, we're both okay and other than wasting two hours waiting for a cop and arranging a rental car, everything worked out fine.

Oh, and I haven't asked a question lately, which is something I wanted to do at least three days a week when I started this blog. But, I did today, so be sure to answer it. Maybe when chemo is over, I'll start cross posting my questions to Twitter. Speaking of Twitter, can someone go over the word forms for me. I know the verb is to tweet, but what about when I say, "I will direct tweet her." Or, "I will tweet him." Is that correct? Or, should I say, "I will twitter her."

Eight down, four to go

I had chemo number eight this morning - I am done with four full cycles. I'm pretty happy that it happened, since I ended up with a cold and a UTI over the last two weeks. Infections are not a good thing and can send an entire treatment plan into flux. Fortunately, my white counts stayed in normal range during the whole thing, so I'm okay. The cold is basically gone. I still cough occassionally, but just a bit. The UTI is under control. I'm on Cipro, which seems excessive, but that's what they give to cancer patients.

There was a time when I thought I would be done with chemo by this point and moving on to radiation. But, no radiation for me - at least at this point. I have a CT next week, which will give me more information about what happens next. If my lymph nodes have become smaller, in the way they are supposed to get smaller, I'll continue with the chemo and then have another CT after six full cycles. At that point, more decisions will be made about what comes next. Hopefully, I'll be done. But, the doctor could decide for radiation (if the lymph nodes are not shrinking enough) or opt for more chemo. But, given the results at the last PET/CT, I'm hopeful the nodes are shrinking and I'm scheduled to be finished by the end of the year.

I'm almost done with a first draft of my dissertation defense presentation. Given that I'm sitting in bed, I know it is going to be difficult to get anything done the next few days, but I'm going to try. I need to get the first draft off to my chair. I find it very difficult to sit in desk chairs, or other high back seats (like a kitchen/dining room chair) in the first few days after chemo. I'm so achy and uncomfortable, that even being half propped up against the windows in my bed is more comfortable. It doesn't make for easy typing or easy use of notes/books/assorted study things.

One last thing - a note of appreciation to my darling hubby. He's really taken the brunt of this cancer thing. Work is not the happiest place right now given the current state of the economy and he comes home and has to wait on me. Hand and foot. Even when I'm feeling somewhat normal, he is stuck with all the dirty stuff like dishes, washing sheets and towels, litter box cleaning, etc. It has been a tough few months for him. And we met 10 years ago this last Saturday night. Our first date included meeting for drinks, dinner, a walk by the river (when he excused himself to pee down the river bank - that was almost a deal breaker, but what are you going to do?), talking in his car, the first snow flakes of the season, and early breakfast at Perkins. I love you weetie.