Self-pity and sadness

I knew I would have emotional days along the way, but I still wasn't ready to feel so wrecked. I'm just so bummed about school. I worked six years to get to this point. I'm basically finished. My committee has moved me on to my defense. I just need to make some changes to my dissertation based on the feedback from my external. I can take her advice or completely ignore it. I'm going to take some of it. But, that doesn't change the fact that I'm basically done. And I feel nothing. NOTHING. I'm not happy. I'm not excited. I'm not celebrating. I'm numb. I've pictured graduating for a long time and in my thoughts it looked nothing like this. I can't go to graduation. I won't be hooded. I can't look for jobs. I don't have the energy to convert my dissertation into something publishable. I'm miserable about this. I feel like the whole thing was a waste of time. When I am able to look for jobs, employers are going to wonder what I've been doing for the last 6 months, 9 months, year. And what am I going to say? "Oh, I had cancer." Yeah. Like that will make them want to hire me. Up go the health care expenses because we're bringing cancer girl on board. I could go to graduation in July, and I still might, but two members of my committee (including my chair) will have already retired. I will have to rely on someone else to present me/hood me. Who knew that when I saw my chair in January, it would be the last time?

I know I'll get over this and I'm being a little irrational, but I'm raw right now. Plus I am looking forward to going on vacation this spring and throwing a graduation/fuck cancer party at some point.

Comments

[Jess]

You go ahead and throw yourself a pity party! I've been waiting for it. Sometimes it feels good to feel sorry for yourself. Cancer sucks. It's screwing with your life.
And don't worry -- employers will still be interested in you. You're smart and you will have just beat cancer ... they'll think you can do ANYTHING.

[pay_me]

We are here to help you when you are down. You have done remarkably well for the huge toll on your body. That in and of itself is an accomplishment. Just know that one day when you are out of this funk you will be happy and ready for that party!!! You deserve it!!! I hope you feel better soon!

Do you need a joke? I am sure I could find a couple!

[Christopher]

First of all, and most importantly, CONGRATULATIONS ON FINISHING! That is a ridiculously huge accomplishment under any circumstance, but even moreso given, you know, fighting cancer.

Second, I'm with the previous two commenters. I remember thinking, when I defended, "Is that it? All that work for... this?" "This" was a glass of bourbon and a nice dinner. And I was numb before the alcohol and the full stomach.

But after a while, the letdown - and how can there not be a letdown? is there any experience more organized to produce a letdown than grad school? - wears away, exposing an enduring sense of accomplishment. You'll feel it, too, and I suspect sooner, rather than later. Probably not Tuesday-morning-soon, but probably end-of-chemo soon. And you will get a good job on the strength of your PhD. You're the ideal candidate for a lot of different kinds of jobs. It'll happen.

[Shan]

I agree with Christopher. Plus one more thing: uh YEAH I think "I had cancer" is an appropriate answer to the question of what you've been doing for the past 6-9 months!!!! Or maybe not quite that blunt, but why the hell not say something like, "I was in the middle of what turned out to be a completely successful treatment for cancer. I'm thrilled to say I'm now cured and ready to take on an exciting career!" What employer wouldn't be all, "Wow, she kicks ASS!" over that?!