Six down, six to go

I went back to using the steroid yesterday. One big bag of steroids with my anti-nausea on chemo day seems to be a manageable amount without completely screwing up my brain. I felt pretty good yesterday and couldn't sleep last night, but I feel more alive today than I did last time on my second day. I'm still typing from bed, but at least I'm keeping my head up rather than laying on my side while using my laptop.

I think I'm starting to feel the effects of the bleo on my lungs. I'm not wheezing, but I do feel a catch at the top of my lungs at the end of a deep breath that can cause me to cough. Last time this phenomenon was gone by within about 10 days. Let's hope that's the same for this treatment. I know I am going to have some lung scarring and never regain full use of my lungs, but I've been told it should not interfere with my long term health or exercise regimen, but it does make me nervous.

Speaking of exercise. I miss it. I never really thought I'd say that, but I do miss my long walks. I'm still trying to get out, but the walks are shorter and not as restorative. They are hard and a slog. I do feel better when I'm done, but I find it very hard to motivate myself even when I'm feeling good. I'm still doing Pilates. I wouldn't miss that for anything, but it isn't enough. Part of my despair over exercise is that I've never completely got back on track after hurting my foot in November of 2006. All of 2007 was basically spent rehabbing my foot. By the time I really got back into regular, vigorous walking this past spring, I was already feeling the effects of the cancer. And, now my foot is regressing because I am not exercising. Blah.

I was going to write a jokey post about how diet coke almost killed me and is now saving my life, but I suppose it would be a little irresponsible. Seriously though, I know that the chemicals in our food and drink are not good for us. I know I drink too much diet coke. I've weaned myself a few different times throughout the last 20 years, but always get back on it. For a long time I limited myself to one or two cans a day, but the cancer has actually increased my drinking. I need the burps. Burping really makes me feel better. J drinks naturally flavored carbonated water. I've tried it. I don't love it, but could maybe get used to it. But I'm not going to attempt a switch until after chemo is over. I don't want to develop an aversion to it if it is going to be my go-to beverage after treatment is over.

Speaking of aversions, too many things are now associated with cancer in my mind. I drag this bag with me every time I go to chemo. I used to like this happily striped beach bag that I got for free. Now I'm thinking about burning it. Altoids. After this is over, I'm never having another Altoid. I use them during chemo to keep the taste of the saline and heparin out of my mouth before and after my treatment. I'm starting to develop an aversion to chicken and hummus, which is a problem because I basically survive on them. Thankfully, pizza and ice cream are still appealing.

Good news on the dissertation front. Of my three main committee members, my chair has basically said what she's going to say. I know she wants me to work on the first part of chapter five. My second member passes it as is. No edits required. My third reader is still working on it. And my external reader gets my greatest praise. She is a professor at Illinois-UC who is very well-respected in my content area. She knows my literature inside and out. (She's also represented in my lit. review with five different articles.) I remember contacting her two years ago to participate and was nervous as hell that she'd dismiss me because of my non-traditional program. She didn't. She was encouraging and helpful throughout the process, even when I had to wait nine months to get approval from my research location. I got her feedback on my complete dissertation yesterday. She wrote a lovely little cover email about how enjoyable it was to read my dissertation and how much she appreciated that it was well-written. (This was a huge ego boost for me, because as most of you know I'm always fretting about my academic writing.) She then wrote a six page memo providing excellent, substantive feedback to my dissertation. She clearly read it, understood it, and was so helpful that I almost wept when I received it. I haven't really digested everything she said, because I skimmed it just after receiving chemo, but I know I am going to have a stronger dissertation as a result. She was so good at tracking my arguments throughout the text and then pointing out when I didn't quite complete my thoughts. If only all feedback from all faculty was this good. When I'm finished, I'm sending her flowers or something. Now, hopefully, I'll have enough brain power and energy to get this thing wrapped up in the next monthish and then do my orals before the end of the year (which are going to be done via video conference - a little unorthodox, but at this point I don't have another choice.)

 

Comments

[Christopher]

What a good post to read - not so much for the ongoing travails of chemo (lung scarring? uhm, YUCK), but for the continued strength of will and the good news about your dissertation! I'll buy you a post-chemo pizza, promise.

[Squab]

God, that is SUCH GREAT NEWS about the dissertation. You must feel so great about that - and so you should. It's good to have something like that on the horizon in the middle of all the health crap. Congratulations on that.