Questionable

To blog or not to blog

I have to admit that I'm diggin' Facebook. It is an easy way to reach lots of people quickly. And, I really like using Twitter to update my FB status. These two marvelous inventions have contributed to my lack of blogging. It is really easy to dash off a tweet rather than compose an entire post. So, if you like my stuff here, I encourage you to also follow my Twitter feed (or join FB - I'm looking at you, Shan).

Lots of stuff has been happening around here, mostly to do with the move that deserve mention, but are going to get short shrift. But here's a few:

I sold my curio cabinet to a woman who sells antiques and home goods. She showed up to get it by herself, wearing a foot boot/cast. I don't trust myself enough to carry a heavy, glass-sided piece of furniture down my front steps. So, J helped her move with the assistance of my neighbor, who we had to call for help at the last minute. I was happy to get rid of it, but surprised at the woman. She told us she was planning on moving it herself.

As if you didn't know, Craig's List is full of scammers. $300 seems to be a sweet-spot for them. List something for that price or more and you are bound to get an email saying something about a cashier's check. I'm not so stupid, but I wonder how many people are taken by these scams.

Speaking of furniture, are you sure you don't need a big closet/cabinet or a bedroom set?

---

We move J into his little studio this weekend. His new position starts next week. I'm hoping this house will sell. We are putting about $4000 into the house just to put it on the market for the same price we bought it for seven years ago. One bright spot is that sales seem to be up and my price range seems to be a sweet spot for St. Paul, but I'm worried. We had the electrician here last week and the plumber here this morning. Next week the handyman arrives followed by the painters the next week. The house is a disaster and I'm tired of living in the mess, but I guess this is how it has to be.

We moved our king bed into the garage this past weekend when I had a bunch of guys over to move things around. So, I'm sleeping on the futon in the guest room and J is in the basement on the bed that will move into our bedroom once it is painted. I can't sleep in the basement because of my allergies. I feel like a college student in my futon.

We've spent the last few weeks really cleaning out the crap and donating lots of nice things to Goodwill. We've also given a number of things away (more to come). And, are trying to sell the rest. It isn't a great time to be selling furniture because everyone seems to be doing it. Bad economy = selling things to make food money. My electrician, one of the highest rated ones in the city, was telling me just two years ago he had a crew of five. Now it is just him. His wife was laid off and they are selling everything in their house to afford college tuition for the kid. He just has no business.

---

Finding J's studio in Chicago was interesting. We ended up with a tiny, but very sunny unit right in the Loop a few blocks from his job. One problem was trying to find a place that permitted a six-month lease. That limited our options. We ended up looking at three places in one building and one in another. The building he selected has few amenities, but is cheap, while the other building had everything under one roof, but was expensive. I rooted for the one he ended up picking because it is on a corner and gets cross-ventilation.

He'll be home every weekend for a while because he is teaching a class at the U, which has been move to Sunday nights. It was that or do it via video conference, which the students don't like.

---

I am really beginning to feel normal. The more activity the better, but my stamina is still really not there. Moving, cleaning, and packing isn't the best way to get back in shape, so I'm looking forward to walking as soon as it is slightly warmer. I might even get in a short walk later today. One of the biggest problems I'm having (along with just being generally weak and inflexible) is with my feet. The one that I broke a few years ago is back to acting up and the other one has terrible plantar fasciitis. I'm thinking both of these things will go away (again) when I am walking more. I am doing my stretches, which is helping, but I need working feet. After trotting around all day in Chicago, I didn't go out at night because I couldn't imagine any further walking.

Earlier this month I went and visited the kids via the train. It was the first time I traveled by myself or on public transportation since I caught cancer. It was wonderful to see the kids in their own element again. I'll get the pictures posted to Flickr one of these days, but I have uploaded the videos to YouTube. There are a bunch under the username questioningyou. Here is a super cute one to get you started. Note that she has a cold so her upper lip is full of snot.




---

Guess what? My entire family, sans J, is going to Disneyworld in October. My brother, the dad, really wants to do this trip so his tax return is going toward paying for their family. He is looking at it as a celebration of health and life. The kids will be 5, 5, and 3. Oatmeal is already suspicious of our plans. We speak in code, but she still figures out we're talking about Disney. She knows more about the place than I do.

---

I liked the changes at the Oscars, particularly when the old winners came out and said nice things about the nominee. I also liked the first and later musical numbers. They were fun. And, I loved Kate Winslett's dress.

When we were in Chicago we watched Milk via on demand. I liked this movie far more than I thought I would. Two thumbs up for this one.

---

J needs a new computer (he is using a laptop that I got almost seven years ago). So, I got a new MacBook Pro (bought with his student/teacher discount) and he is getting my old one. The coolest thing ever is how you can connect the two laptops and just move everything from one to the other.

Cancer is a tremendous opportunity to have your face pressed right up against the glass of your mortality - Jason Shinder

A school friend of mine got a very bad case of Lyme disease some years ago. It took a long time for him to get the right diagnosis, so he got very sick and came close to dying. After he recovered, he completely reassessed his life and made a bunch of significant changes. He quit his job, went looking for PhD programs, and altered his personal life. He wondered if the same thing might happen to me. I don't actually want to make significant changes, whatever that means. I want to move on. I want to go back to living my life.

It feels strange that I'm finishing school at the same time I'm finishing cancer treatment. I was always going to get to the point of completing school. It just so happens to correspond with the end of chemotherapy. In other words, January of 2009 was always going to be a transition time for me. It is just going to be a bigger transition than I once thought. In addition to contemplating career prospects and working on some writing, I am also trying to recover physically and regain my strength (after I clean out this damn office and file all my journal articles, which are in a gigantic pile).

Transition or not, cancer does make one think about living and dying. And I have begun to think about the mark I leave on the world. What's my purpose, and all of that? I don't know that I've worked it all out. I'm still so damn sad about missing my defense and graduation this week/weekend, that I'm bitter about school. Why did I go? I know intellectually why I went. I really like teaching college and wanted to figure out a way to do it full time. But, have you seen the job market for academics? Ay yi yi.

There's more to life than work, however. My passions are in liberal causes and animal and bird rescue, women's reproductive health, and a few other things. I'll go back to being involved in relevant organizations now that I have free time again. Then there's the nieces. I want them to have positive female role models in their lives. While we've received good news (rather than the relapse that we expected to be diagnosed) about my mom this week, the truth is she has stage four ovarian cancer. She hoped to live to be 80. I hope she lives at least that long, but I know it might not happen. My SIL doesn't have a sister and doesn't have a close relationship with her SIL. The kids don't see their other grandma more than once or twice a year. That leaves their mom and me. I don't want to leave them without grandmas or an aunt. Someone has to teach them about feminism. :)

What about right now? What can I do right now to go back to living my life? I'm back at Pilates. I signed up for another Spanish class. I'm spending the weekend with friends. I have a house to fix up to get ready to put on the market. And I'm really thankful that things are looking up for both my mom and me.

Christmas

Christmas was fun (until I developed a cold an had to leave early). My brother's tiny house has become bigger as he has started to remodel his basement into a rec room. We were able to sit down there and spread out. We played cards and games. Opened presents. Challenged each other on the Wii. And ate too much. The biggest news? Schmugly decided to go poop on the potty. Up until now, she would only go pee and whenever she had to poop, she would disappear into a back room and squat or lay on her belly. I guess she decided to save up her big trick for when she could get high-fives from everyone in the family.

The video below shows the kids seeing the presents under the tree for the first time and also includes Oatmeal telling everyone what it was like to hear Santa on the roof.
 


And this video shows ReeRee singing along with the new keyboard. She has something turned on that makes her voice lower.



Enjoy these pictures. I'll upload the rest to Flickr later.

Ten down, two to go

I come to you, like usual, from my bed. I had chemo on Tuesday this week because my doctor nurse (she's a nurse practitioner with a doctorate in nursing) was off on Monday. I see her before every chemo day unless I see my oncologist. Usually by Thursday, I am feeling a little less fatigued, but I'm off a day this week and man, oh man, the fatigue just keeps getting worse. I slept about 12 hours last night and can't imagine doing much more than sitting today. Hell, propping up my pillows takes work. I'm even too lazy to download a movie.

My blood counts were low again this week - just over where they needed to be to go on with chemo. So, let's everyone reading this do a little cheer for my white blood cells. They need to encouragement to build back up more quickly. It isn't the end of the world, if they take more time, but I want my last chemo to happen before the end of the year. There is something about putting all of this behind me in 2008 that is comforting.

Have I mentioned how much chemo makes me stink? I know, gross. But it is really peculiar how in the two to three days after chemo, it manages to make its way out of my body. And, I'm not talking about going to the bathroom. My feet, my breath, everything just smells. I can't stand it. I've never had stinky feet and now I'll need to throw my slippers in the garbage after all of this is over. If the hair loss and weight gain weren't enough, I also get to stink.

In most excellent news, my tuition stops today.

My ipod is dying. It is four years old and the battery is getting flaky and the click wheel isn't really working any more. I'm trying to figure out what to do. Should I bite the bullet and buy a new one? Should I limp along with this one, never knowing if the battery is going to hold a charge? I listen to music during chemo. Each week I select a different band/artist and imagine that my chemotherapy is being brought to me by them. Usually the music puts me in a good mood, so I don't want to go without it. This round, I listened to the Killers. Last time it was Pink.

Remember when I wrote about the house down the street that went into foreclosure and then was sold at auction? Well, the buyer/investor/flipper never closed the deal so it is back on the market for $10,000 more than the auction price, which is about half what it is worth. I wonder if he couldn't get financing or what? I notice that ReMax is now advertising the place as student housing. The frats and sororities passed on it the first time. Who knows what will happen now.

Speaking of houses, we'd like to sell ours. I'm done owning a single-family home. We've mostly owned one because of me. Now that I've had cancer, I don't want the maintenance. I don't want to own anything that weighs me down and I feel like all our belongings are like an anchor holding us back. We're getting rid of lots of stuff as soon as I'm up to cleaning it out. Then it is going on the market. We're going to list it lowish so we can be done. What will happen next? I don't know. Maybe renting until we can figure out if we want to buy a condo/townhouse.

I conclude with a few cute kid stories all having to do with Oatmeal.

She asked me why I didn't have kids. I told her because then I wouldn't be able to spend so much time with her. That shut her up.

She asked me if I went to church. I said, "no." She said, "why?" I said, "it isn't for me." She again asked, "why?" This lead into a discussion of why it wasn't for me. I didn't do a great job of explaining. But she eventually stopped asking.

Finally, the nieces have been learning about secrets. It started with SIL teaching them that adults shouldn't ask them to keep secrets (basically a stranger danger kind of lesson) and has lead into other conversations about secrets. At some point they learned that secrets can be rude. Then, last week during the twins' pre-school Thanksgiving program (singing four songs to a room full of parents), one of the teachers whispered to one of the other students because he was misbehaving. Oatmeal noticed the conversation and said loudly, to the entire room, "We don't tell secrets. It isn't polite." Oatmeal, Oatmeal, Oatmeal, what are we going to do with you?

Thanksgiving Weekend

I had a great Thanksgiving weekend with the family. Everyone was healthy enough to visit and I felt mostly good enough to stay up late playing cards and other games. (If you like Balderdash, I recommend Things, which is hilarious if you play with the right group of people.) We bought our meal pre-made from the grocery store and ate off paper plates, but it all worked out. The food was good and the turkey was very moist. My mom still did the bulk of the work, from preparing pies to heating up the food, even though she has chemotherapy-induced neuropathy in her hands and feet. J, my brothers, sis-in-law, and brother's girlfriend were all really helpful in getting things setup and cleaned up.

The kids were cute and had fun being in front of a whole crowd of people. Oatmeal has become quite the little show off - to the point where her need for attention is a little disconcerting. At one point, she decided she was on TV and went on to entertain the whole room with her songs and dances. She also has started to pose when we take her picture. My SIL decided she must have got this from watching a few snippets of Dancing with the Stars because they don't know where else she would have learned to suck up to the camera.

 

All three of them are really into playing dress up. They have some clothes at home and the twins are able to play with clothes at pre-school, so I decided to go to Goodwill and buy some dresses to keep at my house. I bought seven different dresses in big enough sizes that they are able to wear them over their clothes. I also bought a bunch of plastic beads and some plastic play shoes at Target. Almost every time I entered the living room, they were each wearing something different. Sometimes they wore the dresses and sometimes they wore the beads and shoes with their pajamas. They tell me they would like me to find cheerleading outfits. I really don't think that's going to happen.

They also like to play house with each other, with Oatmeal always playing the mom and being referred to as "Oatmeal Mama". I decided to play along and pretended I was a kid who didn't like anything. Oatmeal was beside herself because I whined and cried all the time. At one point, I was only willing to eat a peanut butter sandwich. I was told, "you must take a no-thank-you bite" when offered spaghetti and "fits don't work" when I whined that I didn't like the shoes I was given. I guess some of her parents' lessons are rubbing off.

We also took them to the Macy's holiday show, A Day in the Life of an Elf, which was a big hit. The line was short and it wasn't too crowded. They saw Santa and told him what they wanted for Christmas and promised to be good. They heard that my Dad once received coal in his stocking so they were sufficiently worried about their behavior when they talked to him. ReeRee wants a cash register. I'm not sure if they have one at pre-school or what, but she really wants one.

One of our Thanksgiving traditions is to go to Como Zoo on Thanksgiving morning. We take a picture on the turtle and are able to see the changes in the family each year. Weirdly, this year it was covered up when we arrived. We asked to remove the box and a nice park worker helped us take pictures and helped us to return the box when we were finished.

 

Hopefully, I'll feel well enough at Christmas to travel to my brother's house. I don't want to miss seeing the kids when they realize that Santa has visited.

The R word and the D word

Lots of good, good news in my world this week. I am feeling so relieved even though I know the next 8 weeks are going to suck. The recovery after each chemo is taking longer and longer. My doctor said to expect this, but I never thought I would be sleeping 12 out of 24 hours, three or four days in a row. And the cramps and aches just get worse and worse. But, then, I eventually start to feel better. I can sit at my desk. I can work for more than a few minutes at a time. I'll get through it.

The R Word????
Remission. The doctor said it on Wednesday. I'm almost afraid to repeat it because I feel like when I do, I am jinxing myself. He thinks the cancer is in remission right now. The CT showed that my lymph nodes continue to shrink. He sees no reason to continue the treatment beyond what's already scheduled (four more infusions, completing at the end of the year). I'll have another CT at the end of January and that will be my new baseline. I'll continue to have CTs every six months for a bunch of years and then move to once a year for even more years. Those CTs will be compared against my first one. If the nodes start to enlarge again, I would probably then have a PET to determine the source of the enlargement. Another R word, relapse, usually occurs in the first two years, if at all.

The D Word????
Dissertation. Defense. Doctorate. Doctor. They'll all do. I formally completed my defense last night. It was a little unorthodox doing it on the phone, but my chair was a champ. She managed the unruliness of a teleconference and I got asked a lot of good questions. I knew my literature and my data inside and out, so the questions were actually easier for me than the presentation. I was able to be more natural. J also dialed in and was very sweet and thanked the school for being flexible and told everyone how proud of me he was.

I have a tiny bit of hope for a normal life again. Like I said earlier, I don't want to jinx anything, but things are looking up. I'm not doing anything substantive this weekend. Monday, it is back to chemo. And the week after I am going to finish fixing my dissertation and get it sent off before the family arrives for Thanksgiving. And, no, for the first time in years, we are not cooking a turkey. I am buying a turkey, already cooked, from the grocery store. Along with most of the sides. Mom will bake the pies when she arrives on Wednesday. And we're eating off of paper plates. So there, ridiculous traditions that trap me into too much work with not enough reward.

Eight down, four to go

I had chemo number eight this morning - I am done with four full cycles. I'm pretty happy that it happened, since I ended up with a cold and a UTI over the last two weeks. Infections are not a good thing and can send an entire treatment plan into flux. Fortunately, my white counts stayed in normal range during the whole thing, so I'm okay. The cold is basically gone. I still cough occassionally, but just a bit. The UTI is under control. I'm on Cipro, which seems excessive, but that's what they give to cancer patients.

There was a time when I thought I would be done with chemo by this point and moving on to radiation. But, no radiation for me - at least at this point. I have a CT next week, which will give me more information about what happens next. If my lymph nodes have become smaller, in the way they are supposed to get smaller, I'll continue with the chemo and then have another CT after six full cycles. At that point, more decisions will be made about what comes next. Hopefully, I'll be done. But, the doctor could decide for radiation (if the lymph nodes are not shrinking enough) or opt for more chemo. But, given the results at the last PET/CT, I'm hopeful the nodes are shrinking and I'm scheduled to be finished by the end of the year.

I'm almost done with a first draft of my dissertation defense presentation. Given that I'm sitting in bed, I know it is going to be difficult to get anything done the next few days, but I'm going to try. I need to get the first draft off to my chair. I find it very difficult to sit in desk chairs, or other high back seats (like a kitchen/dining room chair) in the first few days after chemo. I'm so achy and uncomfortable, that even being half propped up against the windows in my bed is more comfortable. It doesn't make for easy typing or easy use of notes/books/assorted study things.

One last thing - a note of appreciation to my darling hubby. He's really taken the brunt of this cancer thing. Work is not the happiest place right now given the current state of the economy and he comes home and has to wait on me. Hand and foot. Even when I'm feeling somewhat normal, he is stuck with all the dirty stuff like dishes, washing sheets and towels, litter box cleaning, etc. It has been a tough few months for him. And we met 10 years ago this last Saturday night. Our first date included meeting for drinks, dinner, a walk by the river (when he excused himself to pee down the river bank - that was almost a deal breaker, but what are you going to do?), talking in his car, the first snow flakes of the season, and early breakfast at Perkins. I love you weetie.

Glorious Fall Weekend with the Nieces

No one was sick. Everyone was in good spirits. There were no potty accidents caused by excitement. The kids slept really well. The weather was perfect. I wasn't tired beyond belief. It was great. Pictures are available up on the left.

Have you ever seen the creative play area at the Hyland Lake Park Reserve in Bloomington? I was in the park for another reason a few months ago and became excited to show it to the kids. Saturday turned out to be the perfect day to take them there. The older two are quite good at climbing up the nets and towers. They love slides. ReeRee is starting to grow into her long limbs (she is three inches taller than her sister) and is very independent. We found her in places we didn't know she could get to. Oatmeal is very agile and more coordinated, but still wants to be sure that someone she trusts is in her line of sight. We don't worry about losing her. The younger one played in the smaller play areas and went with mom down the really big tunnel slide. Adults seemed to enjoy this slide as much as the kids.

 

We also took the kids to Zoo Boo at Como Zoo. The place was a mad house but fun for the kids. I didn't love it, but I can see why they did. After arriving shortly before it opened (via shuttle), we waited almost 45 minutes in line just to get into the park. Then, we weaved around the place for about an hour. I liked that they didn't get too much crap - a little bit of candy and some munchies as well as coloring books and crayons. I also loved all the costumed adults gamely cheering on the kids for hours on end. I didn't like the crowds or all the weird, cheesy decorations. But the kids grinned the whole time. Lots of people loved Schmugly's Dumbo costume. SIL works at an outlet mall with a Disney store and got it for $5. It is about the cutest thing a 2yo could wear. The older two are still in their princess outfits - as was every other 4yo in attendance.

On Sunday we went to Sever's corn maze. This place was a hit. It wasn't too crowded and there was plenty to do. The maze is too big for them, so we only spent a little time in it. But, the hay bale maze was more their style. The biggest success was the corn pit. This thing was gigantic and there was plenty of room for adults and kids to roll around, jump, and play. The kids also enjoyed the band, the pig races, and the petting zoo. This place is expensive, but I'm an aunt so I'm okay treating.

I got all my rellies and me

You know how you know you're related to someone? When your brother, just two days into his new job, wearing hip new clothes stops by after work to scoop your litter boxes because your husband is out of town.

--

On another note, last night after supper the nieces went out in the backyard to play for a bit. After a little while, ReeRee came crying to the back door complaining, "Daddy, my shoes are hungry." My brother had no idea what she was talking about which made her cry harder. Any guesses?

A hint. She turned around to show him what was wrong.

This is a cute one. Her socks were sliding down the back of her ankle into the opening of her shoes. Get it? Her shoes were eating her socks.

Kids, kids, and more kids

Life as big girls

When my brother and SIL moved back to WI about three years ago, they didn't know they were pregnant with Schmugly. Knowing they had two kids and were not planning on another, was a big consideration in the house they bought. They couldn't afford much and were basically limited to little 3br ranch houses, but had they known about the third child, they might have picked one with a different layout. They ended up with three small bedrooms, a bathroom, living room, and a kitchen/dining area. Until two weeks ago, the twins shared a bedroom, the baby got a bedroom, and M&D got the bigger bedroom. Guests slept in the basement. That's all changed now. All three kids are now in the same room (the biggest). The twins are in bunks and the baby is in her new single bed. The third bedroom is being used for toys and guests and will probably morph into some sort of study when they get older.

The kids were away with their mom visiting their grandparents while my brother prepared the new bedroom. Each kid picked out a wall color (pink/purple, orange, and yellow), and dad bought a princess border and stickers. He also found Tinkerbell curtains in the clearance pile. Grandma B made each kid a fleece blanket with their favorite Disney character (don't get me started on the whole princess thing, but this too shall pass.) When they arrived home, the kids were beside themselves with excitement. The twins have to switch off using the top bunk with bossy Oatmeal getting the first chance. But, they've been doing a great job sharing. No fights over who goes when. They keep track. The cutest thing said about the whole change came from ReeRee the first night she got the top bunk, "I feel like a princess looking out the top window of the castle." No one has the heart to tell her that's where she'll be trapped until she grows her hair or figures out how to un-prick her finger.

Bad Daddy

Here's one for when you're feeling like a bad parent. My brother got in a little trouble with SIL after he inadvertently taught Oatmeal a not-so-nice word. A few weeks back, she was having some stomach issues and had what my brother refers to as a "shart" in her undies. (If you don't know what that is, think hard or look it up.) Without thinking he said something like, "you have a shart in there," in reference to the spot in her pants. The next day mom had the kids in the grocery store. Oatmeal started complaining again about a stomachache and having to go to the bathroom. Before she could get there, she started yelling loudly, "Mommy, I have a shart. I had a shart." Mommy was not happy. Kids were taught not to use that word and brother got a lecture. I, of course, laughed.